Ozzie Newsome: Thanks for joining us today to discuss the 2009 draft class. As you know we spend endless hours preparing for the draft – it’s an exciting weekend for Eric [DeCosta], Joe [Ortiz] and myself and we hope that our work produces wins on the football field. With that said, I’ll open the floor for questions.

Damon Yaffe: The Ravens lacked a physical presence on the defensive side of the ball last year who could fire off the edge with heavy hands and bull rush or rip-slap offensive linemen. Do you see Paul Kruger as a four or five technique player who can get up inside of the pads and dictate the progression of a play by controlling the point of attack?

Ozzie: Well to be honest with you Damon, I’m not sure what you just said but what I can say about Paul Kruger is that he’s our kind of player – a tenacious battler who never quits in the mold of Michael McCrary. I think you will see a productive football player in Paul.

Bruce Cunningham: Hey did you know that Paul Kruger is a Ute? You know a Ute is a member of an Indian tribe from the State of Utah…hee hee, haw-haw, (clearing throat)?

Ozzie: And your point Bruce?

Cunningham: I’m just trying to fight through this cold Oz. Man I can’t wait to hear how this press conference sounds on FM. That said, is the aforementioned Paul Kruger any relation to Freddie Kruger?

Eric DeCosta (tongue in cheek): Given the way he slashes opponents with his hands Bruce, we have no doubt that the bloodlines to Freddie are there and that heavily influenced our decision to select the Ute.

Cunningham: Wow, how cool is that? Can you believe they pay me for this?

Anita Marks: Clearly one of the Ravens’ most pressing needs was and is at wide receiver. Anquan Boldin, one of the more productive receivers in the league and an absolute fantasy stud was available for the right price. What is the right price for the Cardinals and why didn’t the Ravens pull the trigger?

Ozzie: Shaping a roster from year to year is a process and sometimes it pays to be patient.  Until we take the field against the Chiefs on September 13, our roster remains a work in progress and we will do all that we can between now and then to improve our football team. If that means acquiring Anquan Boldin for the right price, we’ll do it.

Marks: But Ozzie what is that price?

Ozzie: Let’s just say our definition and the Cardinals’ and Anquan’s definitions are clearly different at this point.

Nestor Aparicio: More important than any of these other questions Ozzie, are you aware of any effort on the part of the Ravens to revoke my press pass for Ravens games?

Ozzie: I think you are safe Nestor provided of course you refrain from wearing your Joe Flacco jersey in the press box, leave your purple and white pompoms at home and stop handing out Wacko for Flacco posters to members of the visiting media.

Cunningham: Hey Nes, do you still have that 80’s band of yours together? I love me some Loverboy. (sings) Everybody’s working for the weekend…

Jerry Coleman: Ozzie I’ve noticed that the cold war that once existed between the Ravens and the Orioles has thawed and the two clubs are now doing some joint marketing. As you are probably aware Fox 1370 Sports Radio, the most powerful all sports station on the Baltimore airwaves producing 50,000 watts is the local affiliate for the Washington Wizards. Might there be a chance that the Ravens and Wizards do some cross-promoting?

Ozzie: Well Jerry we might if the Redskins move out of DC and if you can prove that anyone in Baltimore actually listens to your Wizards’ broadcasts.

Aparicio: Eric can you look this way a little more and wave to the camera.  I’m putting this presser on WNST.net where we never stop talking Baltimore sports.

Marks: Ozzie if you are able to work out a deal for Anquan Boldin, could you even find the cap room to sign him to a new deal?

Ozzie: We wouldn’t make that deal if we couldn’t.

Yaffe: Anquan Boldin isn’t a guy who can stretch the field. He can give you YAC; he can give you physicality; he can support the run by sealing off the edge on stretch runs; he can bring toughness to the football field. But can he be a complimentary “Y” to Derrick Mason’s “X” or an “X” to D Will’s “Y” and how might you manipulate the route trees with trips to the left and double tights right?

Ozzie: Actually I have no idea Bullfrog. Do you?

Yaffe: Not really but it sounded good didn’t it?

Cunningham: Eric, the immortal Shania Twain once said, “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.” Is this true of the NFL Draft?

DeCosta: Did you mean Mark Twain?

Cunningham: HA-HA, HO-HO, HA-HA, HEE-HEE-HO, <cough>,<cough>, (clears throat)…of course Mark Twain. That Shania…HEE-HEE, HAW-HAW, (clears throat again then sings), Man…I feel like a woman!

DeCosta: We gather our facts, we come prepared and when we are on the clock we are ready to respond to any sequence of events. In a way it’s a lot like installing a game plan and having your team ready to execute it. In some ways Bruce, the NFL Draft is like a poker game and you have to know when to bluff and you’ve got to know when to act swiftly and decisively.

Cunningham (singing): You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em…know when to fold ‘em.  Know when to walk away…know when to run.

Marks: Ozzie regarding Anquan Boldin, do you think the Cardinals may ultimately change their demands for the three-time Pro Bowler?

Ozzie: They might but that isn’t the only issue.  Boldin wants $10 million per year and we have to determine how much better that investment makes us particularly if it inhibits our ability down the road to extend Haloti Ngata and Joe Flacco.

Coleman: Ozzie are you at all concerned about the off-field issues with Anquan Boldin?

Ozzie: No.

Marks: Ozzie do you think that Anquan Boldin would suffer at all not being opposite Larry Fitzgerald?

Ozzie: Well are you asking me will his stats suffer?

Marks: Yes, I need to know whether or not to unload him. He’s on 31 of my 67 fantasy football keeper league rosters.

Ozzie: I think that Anquan would impact our offense positively and we would score more points if we had him.  How his stats would be affected, I don’t know. The only stat we are concerned about is “W’s.”

Aparicio: Ozzie can you repeat that answer? I had to change my photo card. The other one was at capacity and I can’t wait to get these home movies, I mean cutting edge footage on WNST.net where we never stop talking Baltimore sports.

Cunningham: That salary cap is a real humdinger isn’t it? Matt Damon gets $41 million from the Tigers and he’s never taken an NFL snap. Wow! What do you think of that Eric?

DeCosta: Matt STAFFORD is a solid prospect with a big league arm. That said, it’s a lot of money to invest in someone that isn’t proven and that’s an unfortunate weakness of our system in the NFL. It isn’t Matt’s fault. You do have to wonder why the Lions extended a contract to Stafford that is more than $11 million north of the contract Jake Long signed with the Dolphins one year ago.

Cunningham: Those are some big numbers.  Speaking of numbers, hey if you wanna call me Oz now is the time to get in but even my personal cell lines won’t stay open long. Do yourself a favor and get me on your speed dial.

Yaffe: My God Cunningham can you please get over your Motown-DJ-self already? You are embarrassing! Nice job there Aparicio, grooming this know-nothing nitwit! Can you take him back?

Aparicio: Bullfrog, can you get over there next to Bruce.  Say cheese!

Yaffe: Cheeeeeeese!

Cunningham: Cheese-crackers, hee-hee, haw-haw, <cough> <cough>

EDITOR'S NOTE: This press conference is obviously a parody and never really took place although if it did I’m sure you would have received a text message from WNST.